i hate my school

hh, babru kali ini gue nyesel masuk sekolah.

bukan nyesel bisa sekolah. gue bersyukur bisa sekolah, dibanding sama anak anak lain yang mau sekolah tapi ngga bisa.

TAPI GUE NGGA SUKA SEKOLAH GUE!

terlebih lagi gue masuk situ bukan karna kemauan gue. gue ngga memutuskan untuk masuk negri dari awal. dari awal kemauan gue masuk marsudirini kok, biar bareng sama sahabat gue yang udah dari sd. biar bisa ketemu dia lai. bisa satu sekolah sama dia lagi. dan gue udah daftar di marsudirini. udah keterima. tinggal negosiasi. kenapa malah tuntutan masuk negri yang gue harus jalanin?

kenapa gue ngga bisa kaya temen temen gue yang masuk swasta?
mereka bisa ngejalanin setiap harinya beradaptasi dengan orang orang yang sama dan ngga beda jauh setiap harinya. mereka bisa belajar bener karna gurunya emang bener. mereka bisa punya pendorong buat masuk sekolah karna lingkungannya emang menarik setiap orang buat masuk setiap harinya. bukan cuma buat belajar, tapi buat bercanda bareng, buat ketawa bareng, buat seru seruan bareng. dan mereka semua akrab satu sama lain, ngga saling nge-geng menurut 'kelas'nya masing masing. wow, so childish.

gue ngga suka lingkungannya, gue ngga suka kebiasaan kebiasaannya, gue ngga suka kesehariannya. it's totally different and i hate it.

dan kalo temen baik gue yang beda sekolah, tapi dia dari negri juga sampe pindah sekolah ke swasta, gue bakal ngiri sengiri ngirinya. kenapa dia boleh pindah sedangkan gue ngga? kenapa dia bisa pindah sedangkan gue ngga?
gue ngga minta yang muluk muluk. ngga harus swasta yang unggulan kaya penabur. masuk asisi aja gue rela kok daripada gue kaya gini terus

gue kangen kebiasaan kebiasaan di sekolah swasta dulu. gue kangen lingkungannya, gue kangen pergaulannya. buak kaya sekarang yang sebenernya ngga pernah gue harepin.

GUE MAU PINDAH SEKOLAH!! KE SEKOLAH YANG EMANG DARI AWAL GUE PILIH BUKAN TUNTUTAN ORANG LAIN!! KENAPA ORANG LAIN BISA NGELANJUTIN SMA MEREKA DI SWASTA SEDANGKAN GUE HARUS DI NEGRI??

great day with my favorite Preist

Monday, November 23rd 2009

yesterday was really great.
okay, it's not that great at all. but finally i've found something that can fix my mood again. something that also can fix my feel that usually hard to be fixed when i've got it worst in the morning.


Saturday, November 21st 2009

my mind was really heavy. my heart could not get calm. i was really stressed out. when i came home i locked myself on my room. turn the music to the highest volume and screams out loud through the lyrics. suddenly my tears are running down on my face. it was really hurt when you had tried hard for your success but when you get a lil bit failed, people whom you believe did not appreciate your work. if they said it's not enough even though you've tried your best. then they blame another activity you're active on. said that it does not help me to increase my report score.

i was thinking. so what if i love to do that activity? if i enjoyed it more than i enjoy studying at class?

so, why they keep blaming at me? i really had no idea. i hate it. i hate when the ask me, but i got no words to explain them what my answer is.

i locked myself till 09.30 PM
finally i opened it, i went downstairs and take a bath. my mom forced me to eat my dinner even though i really don't want to eat. then i drank my pills and get back to my bedroom.
but my mom came to my room and ask about tomorrow's plan. i refused it cause i was too tired to debate. she kept complaining while she took care of my lil sisters. i wore headset and turn the music out loud from my cellphone. try to ignore everything but the music.
and i failed.
i cried once again. silently. so they don't have to know.
i cried myself to sleep just like a little crybaby. damn.


Sunday, November 22nd 2009

i woke up in the morning. still had the same feeling like the last night. worst mood, worst feel. but i know that i'm going to curch. so i took a bath, had a little breakfast and went to the curch.
when we almost arrived there's some bad thing happened between me and my dad. i made my mood getting worse.

i entered the curch, i took a seat that far enough from my dad, but still in the same row.
and i was really surprised cause the mass eucharist led by the Cardinal Bishops. that's what i heard on the announcement. then when the Cardinal Bishops was came in, he accompanied by some Priests. one of them is my favorite Priest.
when the mass eucharist began, i sang the song happily. it was really made my heart became peaceful.
during the process of receiving the sacrament of the eucharist, i also get in to the front even though i haven't been baptism as Catholic yet. i receive eucharist bless from my favorite Preist. he put his hand on my forehead and smiled so gently. he blessed me. it made my heart became more peaceful.

and that was my great day :)

i love you my Priest as my intermediary to Jesus. :)

hrr

haaaaaaaa
CAPEK GUE!

pasti kaya gini. udah ketebak deh apa yang bakal kejadian, apa yang bakal gue terima di rumah waktu gue pulang abis ambil rapot. selalu kaya gini.

kapan dibilang " waah, bagus bagus ya nilainya, usahanya bagus yaa."

yang ada " nilai apaan ini? kenapa ngga bisa lebih?"
mau nilai gue tuntas atau ngga.

kapan usaha gue dihargain? oke mungkin mereka emang ngehargain dengan cara mereka. dan minta nilai lebih seterusnya. nilai yang lebih bagus yang bisa muasin mereka.
gue tau tujuannya baik. gue tau itu juga buat masa depan gue sendiri.
tapi bisa ngga mereka sedikit ngertiin gue. liat keadaan gue, ngenalin gue. mungkin mereka emang orang yang terdeket sama gue. yang selalu ketemu gue. orang orang pertama yang gue liat saat gue buka mata pagi hari dan orang terakhir yang gue liat waktu gue mau tidur malemnya. tapi itu ngga berarti mereka yang paling kenal gue. belom tentu mereka yang paling ngertiin gue. belom tentu mereka orang yang bisa tau gue luar dalem.

cara pandang gue dan cara pandang mereka beda. dan gue ngga suka kalo mereka maksain cara pandang mereka ke gue. gue tau mereka juga pernah muda. gue tau mereka juga pernah ngalamin masa masa sama kaya gue. tapi ngga harus disamain sama apa yang gue alamin dan apa yang akan gue alamin.

gue ngga suka dipaksa ngelakuin hal yang udah gue benci dari awal. mungkin gue akan nyambung sama hal itu beberapa saat, tapi ngga akan lama.

kalo gue lebih aktif di kegiatan non-akademik ataupun sampingan kaya ekstrakulikuler terus kenapa? gue lebih suka disitu daripada pelajaran pelajaran utama yang biasanya cuma dihabisin di kelas, ngitung, baca, nulis, ngafal, dsb. gue lebih suka langsung kegiatan. itu juga kegiatan yang gue suka. bukan kegiatan yang dipaksain.

Metro Station - Kelsey

i really love this songs. it's like showing my relationship with my best friends, but we've been separated. and he never knows about my deepest feeling about him. then we graduated, and walk our separated way without saying goodbye.

and if i just have one more day to live my life cause i know i'll close my eyes forever tomorrow, all that i wanted to do, i wanna let you know how much i need you since you've left from my life. and how much you mean for me.

Theodorus Thedy Maringka :')

***


So take one word, you said
You put it in your bed
You rest your tiny head on your pillow

You wonder where you're going next
You've got your hair pushed to my chest
And now you're hoping
That someone will let you in

Well, I swear I'll let you in
You know I'll let you in
Oh Kelsey, you

So don't let anyone scare you
You know that I'll protect you
Always, now through the thick and thin
Until the end

You better watch it
You know you don't cross it
Because, I'm always here for you
And I'll be here for you

I know, I know, I know
I know how it feels
Believe me, I've been there
And I know, I know, I know
I know what it feels like
Tell me, Kelsey

And I'll swim the ocean for you
The ocean for you
Whoa, Kelsey
And I'll swim the ocean for you
The ocean for you
Whoa, Kelsey
Oh you, darling

Now it's gonna get harder
And it's gonna burn brighter
And it's gonna feel tougher
Each and every day

So let me say, that I love you
You're all I've ever wanted
All I've ever dreamed of to come
And yes you did come

I want you so bad, can you feel it too?
You know I'm so, I'm so in love with you
I want you, so much
I need you, so much
I need your, I need your, your touch

And I'll swim the ocean for you
The ocean for you
Whoa, Kelsey
And I'll swim the ocean for you
The ocean for you
Whoa, Kelsey

And I'll swim the ocean for you
The ocean for you
Whoa, Kelsey
And I'll swim the ocean for you
The ocean for you
Whoa, Kelsey

And you never, ever let me in
(Let me in)
And you never, ever let me in
(Let me in)
And you never, ever let me in
(Let me in)
And you never, ever let me in

haha

i still remember those days
when everyone had left the class but you
they were going home to done they exercise perfectly
but you keep waiting for me to help you done yours
even though i know it's hard enough to done mine,
i still help you with all my pleasure

and those jokes went out from your mouth
makes you laugh with the way i love
then makes me forget about the tears that wait for falling down
and replace it with true smile and big laugh

you give me strength so i can erase my sadness
then change it into a different way of laugh

you cheer me up every time i'm upset
and make it becomes a laugh in a blink of eye

you wake me up from my deepest sleep
when i'm stressed out and wish that i won't open my eyes anymore
but you help me with indirect way and make me see the world differently

you protect me without showing your body strength
cause you just do it with words
and i know you believe that i will obey it

you make me feel special when i think i'm not
cause when i think everyone would be better if i'm gone
you still need me and make me feel useful

you keep supporting me when i failed
with the simple way that i adore

you are the only one who can make me feel better when actually i'm not.
and now i miss all part of you,
T

x

gue benci hari ini.

gue benci pagi pagi dibangunin secara paksa padahal gue baru tidur beberapa jam. langsung disuruh cepet ini itu padahal gue masih lemes. kalo gerak lambat malah dimarahin. ngeliat ngga gue masih lemes? baru melek, baru bangun. padahal tidur juga baru 4 jaman. wajar dong kalo misalnya gue masih lelet. kalo gue rada ngga nangkep, jadi kayanya ngga perlu marah marah sampe panjang lebar beruntut terus. dan kayanya kesalahan yang lama ngga usah disebut lagi. ngapain diungkit ungkit lagi. emang kuping gue ngga panas dengernya?

Ten 2 Five - I Will Fly

You know all the things i’ve said
You know all the things that we have done
And things i gave to you
There’s a chance for me to say
How precious you are in my life
And you know that it’s true

To be with you is all that i need
Cause with you, my life seems brighter and these are all the things
I wanna say...

I will fly into your arms
And be with you
Til the end of time
Why are you so far away
You know it’s very hard for me
To get myself close to you

You’re the reason why i stay
You’re the one who cannot believe
Our Love will never end
Is it only in my dream?
You’re the one who cannot see this
How can you be so blind?

I will fly into your arms
And be with you
Til the end of time
Why are you so far away
You know it’s very hard for me
To get myself close to you

I wanna get
I wanna get
I wanna get myself close to you

Taylor Swift - Jump and Fall

I like the way you sound in the morning
We're on the phone and without a warning
I realize your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard
I like the way I can't keep my focus
I watch you talk, you didn't notice
I hear the words but all I can think is we should be together

Every time you smile, I smile
And every time you shine, I'll shine for you

Woah-oh I'm feeling you baby
Don't be afraid to jump then fall
Jump then fall into me
Baby, I'm never gonna leave you
Say that you wanna be with me too
Cause I'm gonna stay through it all
So jump then fall

Well, I like the way your hair falls in your face
You got the keys to me, I love each freckle on your face
I've never been so wrapped up, honey
I like the way you're everything I've ever wanted
I had time to think it over
And all I can say is come closer
Take a deep breath and jump then fall into me

Cause every time you smile, I smile
And every time you shine, I'll shine for you

Woah-oh I'm feeling you baby
Don't be afraid to jump then fall
Jump then fall into me
Baby, I'm never gonna leave you
Say that you wanna be with me too
Cause I'm gonna stay through it all
So jump then fall

The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet
I'll catch you, I'll catch you
When people say things that bring you to your knees
I'll catch you
The time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry
But I'll hold you though the night until you smile

Woah-oh I need you baby
Don't be afraid please jump then fall
Jump then fall into me
Baby, I'm never gonna leave you
Say that you wanna be with me too
Cause I'm gonna stay through it all
So jump then fall

Jump the fall, baby
Jump then fall into me
Into me

And every time you smile, I smile
And every time you shine, I'll shine
And every time you're here, baby I'll show you
I'll show you you can jump then fall
Jump then fall
Jump then fall into me
Into me
Yeah